I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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