Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
