So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
