At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
