highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
