Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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