omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
