I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
