remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
