Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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