it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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