I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
