this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
