this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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