arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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