Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Also, beer. Big fan.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
