Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
