3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
