Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
