So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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