Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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