i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
