I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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