She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
