WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
