I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
