I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
