very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
