it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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