I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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