you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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