I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
