I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
