Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
