We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This baby is an asshole
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
