She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize
