I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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