2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
