I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you never un-have a 4some
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
