chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
