I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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