mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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