I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
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