my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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