I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
