My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
