Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
