I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
