Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
