My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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