If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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