but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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