Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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