Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Randomize
