I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
