Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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