i just had sex bonerless
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize