I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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