That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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