I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
