if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
