In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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