shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
