Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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