then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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