yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
