Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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