So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
