you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
