when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
