I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
