Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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