he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
