did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
