Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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