I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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