You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize