i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
