hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I lost the right to judge tonight
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
