Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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