Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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