dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
