Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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