The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
