Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
