I can text with my tongue
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize